i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm too high and old for this...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
