8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
