dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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