He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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