I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
