I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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