Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
