I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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