I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
They have beer where we have blood.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
