I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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