every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
