was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
