I wish I could teleport
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Houston, we have a squirter
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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