That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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