I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
