He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
