Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
