thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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