At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
