Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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