and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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