and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize