the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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