when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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