I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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