You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
