...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
