its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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