fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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