Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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