I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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