69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
