Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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