I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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