And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
