tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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