My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
