there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
