i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
