I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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