I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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