Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it glows. i had to have it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
