Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
