Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
home. puking in laundry basket.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
