Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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