I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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