thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
