chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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