So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
