I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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