I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
