i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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