just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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