My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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