I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
