i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
