I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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