don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
