She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize