I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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