I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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