I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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