you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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