he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
