i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
